M is for Mother and S is for Daughter?
by Megaphone.Kills.You
Summary: Madara has always wanted a daughter and when he can't find a woman to give birth to one, then he'll find himself a daughter instead! His target: Sasuke Uchiha. But Madara has a lot to learn in his new role of a parent as he is about to discover...:CRACK:
1. Off he goes!

**M is for Mother and S is for...Daughter?**

Madara had always wanted a daughter.

A daughter he could spoil to no end and whose suitors he could threaten. Or kill.

Unfortunately, during the war and even after that the thought of marrying never crossed his mind since there was so much else going on around him to keep him occupied. And afterwards, no woman was exactly willing anymore and he didn't quite want to resort to rape and kidnapping.

Madara, however, never gave up on his dreams.

While Itachi could've taken that role with his rather feminine looks and his apparent popularity amongst the people (who didn't know that he was a sought after criminal), there remained the whole 'responsible-for-the-Uchiha-massacre'-issue and the Uchiha ancestor doubted that his student could be convinced that it was a fun idea to act as his daughter.

So Madara was once more forced to keep looking.

And then Sasuke came into the picture.

In the beginning, the old Uchiha was skeptical. He hadn't met Sasuke yet and Itachi refused to give out any information, so how could he be sure he could bully Sasuke into becoming his daughter? Or that Sasuke even suited the role? Their first meeting only revealed that his relative was incredibly self-confident.

Oh, but their second meeting was so much more enlightening, he truly got to know Sasuke! He'd seen him at his worst and decided that it was worth a try. This boy was more emotional than his older brother who could contain his feeling even after the Uchiha massacre pretty well and only cried at night in his room when he thought he was alone (of course Madara found out anyway because he tended to sleep walk and sometimes found himself in the closets of various Akatsuki members and was woken up once by Itachi's quiet sobs).  
>The thought of Itachi reminded Madara that Sasuke was in fact the only Uchiha left other than himself, so making him his daughter would actually make at least some sort of sense since they part of the same family!<br>It was also rather helpful that Itachi's death had left Sasuke vulnerable and easy to influence. Additionally, he seemed to have started to trust Madara who planned on using this to his advantage. He just had to wait and seize the opportunity when the right moment came.

As it turned out, this moment came only days later. In an attempt to make Sasuke believe he was being cared for and that he could trust him, Madara looked after him every once in a while. He had stepped into the descendant's room only to find the teenager curled up on his bed, his body shaken by violent, silent sobs. It was a rather disturbing sight to see someone like the avenger crying his eyes out _like a **girl**_ would, yet Madara realized instantly that this was his one and only chance, the time had come. Now or never.  
>What was he supposed to do though? The last time he had comforted someone had been ages ago and the result hadn't been satisfying either.<p>

He had to think of something. Fast.

"Uh...What's the matter?" At least something.

Between his sobs Sasuke choked out "Well, isn't that obvious? I have lost my entire family and now my brother—and I—" He was unable to continue and the rest of his sentence was drowned out in a loud wail.

"I'm still here" Madara pointed out, barely able to contain his excitement. "I'm still alive. And so are you." The boy raised his head to look at the man, seemingly contemplating what had been said.

"...But you can't replace my parents or my brother, can you?"

"I could if you want me to" the older Uchiha said and one sob turned into a gasp of surprise. There was this hopeful glint in Sasuke's dark eyes that reminded Madara. "I..." he started but interrupted himself and silence followed as both males stared at each other. It was broken by Madara who exclaimed "I will try to replace your parents if you agree to become my 'daughter'." There, he had said it.

He could practically see the wheels inside of the teen's head reeling as he tried to decide between 'Get a parent-replacement' and 'Not becoming a _female _child'. Thankfully, the former eventually won the tug o' war.  
>"Only if you become my 'mother'. It's only fair" came the sniffled reply, accompanied by a slow nod.<p>

Of course it would only be fair but—he hadn't been prepared for this! He refused to be called 'Mother'! He was a man for Rikudou's sake! It was just—NO, he was **_NOT_** going to be called 'mother'.

On the other hand, he was s-so, so, so _close_ to fulfilling his dream...!

"Alright."

Sasuke's face lit up like a Christmas tree at that. "But we won't mention this in the presence of others, right?" "Of course not!" "Good." "Yes." "Perfect."

There was another awkward pause while Madara still couldn't believe that his dream had actually come true and at the same time racked his brain for something to say now. "So...what are we supposed to do now?" he finally questioned after a while. His 'daughter' shrugged. "Hug?" he suggested "My mother used to do that when I cried." So they did just that.

"I think I'll go and get somethin to eat." The ancient shinobi was already halfway through the door when he remembered his new responsibilities so he added "Do you want something too?" "Could you make me a sandwich?" muttered Sasuke hopefully and glanced up to his 'mother' who said yes.

When the Uchiha ancestor walked down the corridor to the kitchen, there almost was a light skip in his step. But only almost because Madara doesn't _do_ skipping, because he has a reputation to protect and because seeing a grown man _skipping_ was creepy as hell.

Upon arriving in the kitchen of their current hide-out, he stumbled over Kisame. Seeing the shark-man made Madara wonder if maybe he knew somethin about parenthood. The chances were rather low yet one could never know and god, Madara needed help. Thus he approached his loyal assistant and asked him "What do you know about parenthood?"

For a moment, Kisame grinned at him, thinking it was a joke, but it slipped from his face as he realized that his leader was being completely serious. One of his eyebrows started twitching slightly and an expression of utter confusion took over his features. "Pretty much nothing, but—" "Well then I'll ask someone else" he cut the sputtering former Kiri-nin off and passed him and reached for the handle of the fridge.

As he pulled out the salad, Kisame regained his ability to speak and eventually told Madara "Maybe you should ask Konan or that red-haired girl of Sasuke's team. They're women so that should come natural to them, right?" Why hadn't he thought of that before? Perfect! He thanked the man and resumed making Sasuke's sandwich.

He delivered the meal to Sasuke a little while later and bit into his own bread as he made the decision to go searching for the two females right after he was finished with eating because he needed their advice even though he didn't want to acknowledge that he did. The sooner the better.

And so off he went on his quest to replace Sasuke's mother.

* * *

><p><strong>What. Have. I. Done. <strong>

**It was a spontaneous idea that came to me when I was looking through my old drawings where I found some comics of mine that feature mother Tobi and daughter Sasuke. And since I think I need practice when it comes to writing crack/humor, and because I still have to think of some ways to make Madara suffer in "72 hours in hell", this was born. Kind of dedicated to a friend who wrote a crack One-Shot that scarred me for life.  
>Don't expect regular updates. I have so much else I'm writing for and some of them have prority. If I have some inspiration, then great, another chapter, but that sadly isn't all that often. <strong>

**Feedback is highly appreciated, so please don't hesitate to review! ^_^**


	2. Incompetent subordinates

When Konan heard the Uchiha's question, she briefly wondered if someone had slipped a drug into her food and that she was now imagining things. Or maybe she was under a Gen Jutsu? Madara liked to pull pranks on the Akatsuki members and then pretend it was someone else's doing. Yes, it had to be. A horrible, horrible Gen Jutsu to get on her nerves.

She could tell the illusion of Madara was getting impatient by the way he started shifting his weight from one side to another and sighing annoyed a couple of times.

The woman opened her mouth to say something, then closed it again, reconsidering the effects her words could have. If this was a Gen Jutsu, it would be a total waste of time and not to mention ridiculous if she fell for it and told the mirage everything she knew, but there remained the possibility that this was in fact real and Madara was honestly asking her these things, so it would be better if she really did answer. The Uchiha could hold a grudge for decades and in regards of her and Pain's upcoming mission to capture the Kyuubi, it'd be better to stay on his good side.

Ah, to hell with it. Besides, Konan enjoyed reminiscing about the time when it was just her and Yahiko and Nagato and when she acted as their mother.

Suppressing the urge to giggle at the absurdity, because Madara truly outdid himself this time, she willingly shared her information about how to care for a child of the age from about ten to sixteen.

After the incredibly eerie, one-sided conversation, she strolled down the corridor to Pain's room, quietly chuckling to herself. "Oh Nagato, I have something to tell you...You won't believe me!"

* * *

><p>Unbeknownst to the blue-haired woman, Madara stayed behind and nodded, satisfied with what he'd heard. A pity that she had been the last person he came across because this way he had asked all remaining Akatsuki members before getting the information he needed. Suigetsu, Zetsu and Nagato were completely useless in this matter because they'd been too young or had too inharmonic relationships with their parents to provide anything useful. Juugo too knew nothing about being a parent, but at least could give him some tips and while Karin revealed that out of all members she was the only one out of a perfectly normal family without any hidden tragedies or anything, she only knew the perspective of a child and thus her knowledge was rather scarce and overlapped with what her male comrade had said.<p>

At least Konan proved to be reliable and suddenly, he was happier than ever to have her in the organization.

And now the ancestor of the Uchiha sat down at a table, took a sheet of a paper and a pen and wrote a list because he is a neat person and likes to have things organized. So he made a list of all things he would need.

First – kitchen utensils. Because the kitchen of the current hide-out consisted of a fridge, a sink and a cupboard, which was rather sad. And Karin said she loved it when her mother cooked something for her.

Second – cook books. Madara never bothered to learn how to cook and he would NOT ask anyone for help ever again because his ego and Uchiha-pride were already bruised enough.

Third – parenting books. He'd make sure to hide them very damn well.

Fourth – some things out of the Uchiha compound that Sasuke yet had to specify. This one was a little difficult since it meant that Pain or Konan would have to get those things while they're in Konoha.

Fifth - the Kyuubi.

Madara took another look at what he'd written down to check if everything was on it, transferred the first three things onto a separate note and a Henge no Jutsu and three minutes later, he practically smacked the piece of paper into Kisame's face which was still a little pale from their last encounter.

" Kisame, purchase these things as soon as possible. I do not accept failure."

The man grumbled a little to himself, then shoved the note into the sleeve of his cloak and disappeared again with a strained "Of course, Pain."

Oh-ho, Madara's plan actually _worked_. Kisame hadn't even _looked_ at the list! If he had, then he might have noticed it wasn't Pain he was running errands for. Sometimes the Uchiha seriously wondered if his subordinates only acted incompetent when he was around.

Nah, time to see after Sasuke. Last time he saw him, the crying had stopped completely and the boy told his mother that he was especially fond of Onigiri and tomatoes. Madara was looking forward to getting to know (not that he would say this out loud) his daughter (and not to mention spoil to no end!) and once again resisted the urge to skip.

* * *

><p>"Don't tell me... you were stuck in that Gen Jutsu, too?"<p>

Suigetsu's face scrunched up in a mixture of shock, fear and disgust. Juugo, that weird guy with all those piercings and that blue-haired chick and even Kisame had confessed that indeed, they all had been struck by the same jutsu they wished they never experienced. At least, the white-haired male thought so because never in his life had someone asked him a weirder and more disturbing question.

They were huddled up in the conference room as he had dubbed it, careful to watch out for Madara's chakra and ready to run as soon as they felt it.

"What are you talking about" questioned Karin as she stepped into the room and Suigetsu cursed her for her ability to mask her chakra completely. He didn't feel like including the redhead into the discussion and he relished in the knowledge that it would piss her off immensely if all others knew something she didn't. Yet Konan (the traitor) kindly informed the new arriver and the red-haired bitch had the nerve to smirk triumphantly at him!

"Uhm...Sorry to tell you but..." Karin trailed off when she noticed the rather intense stares she was getting and quickly cleared her throat, readjusted her glasses and continued matter-of-factly "...that wasn't a Gen Jutsu."

"How could you tell?" At this, Karin regained her cocky smirk and explained "Well, I couldn't sense any disturbance in my chakra, meaning that what I saw and heard was real."

It was quiet for a while as the words sank in. For Suigetsu who didn't know Madara well it wasn't too much of a shock, Kisame, Pain and Konan were another matter entirely, though. Ah, they probably felt like he had done when they'd been at the coast and Sasuke started to cry and sob all of a sudden. Crying and sobbing. Like a _girl_ would.

The expression on Konan's face turned into a thoughtful one and she wondered out loud "Why does Madara want to know about—about—parenthood, anyway?" "How should I know?" replied Suigetsu and started throwing small paper balls at Karin, his aim horribly off and hitting Juugo instead.

"We could spy on him—" began the girl, yet was cut off by Kisame who thought that was a great idea. A little helpless, Karin spluttered "but—that won't be easy and what if we get caught?" Nobody listened to her objections. Apparently all older members were very keen on finding something to black-mail or at least annoy Madara with, as if they wanted to avenge something. From what Suigetsu knew, Madara liked to stalk his comrades and acted like a freaky _mother hen_ who at the same time bullied her/his own chicks.

"Hey girl, didn't you say you can mask your chakra?"

Everyone turned their attention to Karin again who gulped and shrunk under the gazes of everyone. Suigetsu loved the way she struggled and realized that her attempts were futile.

"I hate you. All of you."

* * *

><p><em>"Hey, Pain. Why did you order me to buy this stuff?"<em>

_"Hoshigaki, I didn't order you to do anything."_

_"..."_

_"...what did he tell you to buy?"_

_"Wait, I got a list...here. "_

_"...I'm starting to doubt the sanity of Madara."_

* * *

><p><strong>What. Have. I. Done. Take two.<strong>

**I can't believe I finished this so fast...I don't know. I just had SO MUCH FREAKIN' INSPIRATION. Oh, you wouldn't believe it. This chapter is kind of a filler, which sadly seems to have affected the quality T_T I ask you for forgivness. The next chapter(s) should be complete soon, but school starts for me next week and my teachers don't like us students...**

**Oh, and thanks for the favorites, the alerts and the reviews :3 Very much. **

**Again, please leave a review :)**


End file.
